the Endless Quest

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2006-09-27T01:50:00.000-07:00

when i can't express what i really feel i practice feeling what i can express and none of it is equal i know but that's why mankind alone among the animals learns to cry

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2006-09-04T02:14:00.000-07:00

As times flow distances grow but I must travel new roads like a faithless pilgrim

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2005-12-10T06:25:00.000-08:00

Lonely paths bend here and there into lonelier alleys And the lonely sun like an orphaned child sitting pretty in the lonely sky casts lonely shadows around lonely lives.

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2005-12-03T22:19:00.000-08:00

Pain is like the new man in town Lost in a crowd of empty faces. Slowly the territory is known and faces are familiar It'll resurface out of no where uninvited. It'll die all too soon or so we'll think. And then we'll know it. For ourselves. ----- Hurting is the game we've learnt to play well Rules are simple When you start losing You know you are just getting better at it. ----- I don't miss your voice Nor your laughter All I miss is that story hanging dangerously in your silences. Nothing will change or so you said Yes nothing did The sky is still blue And my blood still red. -----

feed your egos

2005-11-14T14:44:00.000-08:00

"I was born wet,naked and hungry .Things got worse at IIT"

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2005-11-11T11:27:00.000-08:00

"When you want something badly the world conspires to give it to you." Seems the world is conspiring against me or maybe I have stopped wanting things badly enough.

a 55 word poem

2005-10-22T04:59:00.001-07:00

Kill me. One swift stroke of a knife, I won't plead for my life I promise Your whims I know are my mistakes and your guilt makes a sinner out of me And after you take my life away You can ask me to live. Pity you wouldn't know The dead don't have a choice. -- tag:55 word poem

a thousand desires such as this

2005-10-05T01:43:00.000-07:00

hazaaroN KHwahishaiN 'eisee ke har KHwahish pe dam nikle bohot nikle mere armaaN lekin fir bhee kam nikle. [Khwahishain=desires,armaaN=wish/yearning,dam=breath/vitality] I waste a lot of vitality trying to achieve a thousand dreams such as this I yearn for everything ,and yet they never suffice to fulfil my dreams. nikalna KHuld se aadam ka sunte aayaiN haiN lekin bohot be_aabru hokar tere kooche se ham nikle. [ KHuld = heaven, koocha = street ] They told me how Adam was exiled from heaven, and here I walk down your streets disgraced. mohabbat meiN naheeN hai farq jeene aur marne kaa usee ko dekh kar jeete haiN, jis kaafir pe dam nikle. [kaafir=non believer] In love nothing remains between life and death, The kaafir who sustains me ,is the one who takes my life away. P.S.: 1.A Kaafir that I am ,pardon my efforts at translation.In hindsight I seem to have made a mess of it. 2.First HKA sweeps me off my feet and then Miss Mudgal's rendition of this ghazal haunts me like anything. 3.To the ONE luckless duck "Lets talk about love" :)

my 55.. ok 55s

2005-09-28T04:02:00.000-07:00

Got tagged by DC.Here's my 55's. -- Destiny Six hours from now her phone will ring .She'll wake up with a hangover .She'll fumble for her cell ."He met with an accident,he's no more".She'll faint. Right now,they are dead drunk.She's in his arms ."If you ever dare to leave me ,i'm gonna kill you",she whispers, biting his ear. -- The Perfect Remedy He was scared of heights."Acrophobia",he had looked it up .He couldn't tie a knot properly .Daddy did his ties.He grew dizzy at the sight of blood.He feared being run over as he couldn't stare death in the face.Sleeping pills he decided.Death couldn't be so painful in a dream ,afterall. -- And anyone who reads this ,do it dutifully yourself :).

..

2005-09-27T14:20:00.000-07:00

Your words resonate through cavernous walls chasing me,night and day Making a mockery of my existence. --- The gore speaks of stabs, of lost innocence,of lonesome nights when I cried my heart out. Of sins that I washed away with my tears buried , piled layers of earth,knelt over and prayed. I can smell my hands now, Don't have blood on them anymore. And yours, Oh! are they still red? --- You denied me. what I deserved. and what you deserve is not what you get. because Justice is not what we do All we can ,is forgive and forget. --- Yes,we choose are own ways to hell. But sometimes we do run out of choices. We are just damned. --- Or doomed. "Maktub" Its all written. ---

not a nice man to know

2005-09-23T23:01:00.000-07:00

I have been suffering from bouts of insomnia for quite sometime now.I have been experimenting too much with sleeping patterns ,my habits are to be blamed for sure.But no matter how hard I try I can't sleep for more than three hours at a stretch during (what lesser mortals call) THE night time.The afternoons finds me all groggy.I can feel my eyelids bearing the load of hundreds of metric tonnes of lost sleep and fatigue and this has lead to dimishing use of my already diminised grey cells. --- Got my hands on "The Company of Women" by Khushwant Singh and it has given me company during my sleepless sojourns.What does a dirty old, scotch drinking ,oxford educated ,octagenarian sardar need to write a book like this ? Lots of guts,which he has in plenty and lots of testosterone.The book is obscene in totality ,borders around porn and explores the subtleties of a man's philanderic nature in an extremely matter-of-fact manner.I am inclined to say that the book is disgusting but you can't deny a writer his freedom of expression,especially when the one in question is Khushwant Singh. --- My yahoo id was hacked a few days back and I am the one to be blamed.As a matter of fact a lot of yahoo ids are hacked ,without the owner having the faintest notion about it.I have tried my hands at it too under the tutelage of a much abler accomplice.The best you can do is change your password and start using GAIM ,which I believe is less vulnerable. --- One day I'll grow filthy and rich and have lots of money to buy a gun and kill a lot of people or maybe flaunt it and scare them off.So people better be-ware of me,and think twenty times before letting me down.Have i made myself clear ? I think I have.If you thought KS was not a nice man to know,you were on the wrong track. ---

accusations,google ads and tulsidas

2005-09-17T11:52:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been accused of a lot of things.(I use the word accused for the lack of a better word).A person who likes to drop in comments as "anonymous" accused me of slowly turning into an arcane philosopher.Someone accused me of being too obsessed with her.A few of my friends accused me of being a little too tolerant.The chap who lives next door accuses me of being too emotional, too unfaithful and that I have started ignoring him because I don't need him anymore.Right now while I am writing this post I am accused of doing whatever I like.Man I have given a lot of people a lot many reasons to complain. --- Google ads pisses me off to no ends.Each time I scroll down to look at them(on my page) atleast three out of four have anti/quit smoking ads. --- I have a course on NLP(natural language processing this sem).This is a CSXXXX course,which means its offered by the CS department.The only useful thing that I seem to have learnt from this course is"Don't end a sentence with a preposition". --- I was really surprised to find misogynistic shades in Tulsidas's composition.I had the opportunity of reading one of his couplets as a part of my Hindi Literature(if you didn't know this I am doing a minor in Hindi from IIT which comes close to being a BA in Hindi)course. janampatrika barati key dekhun manhi vichari dahan bairi michu ke beech birajati naari. which when translated means that in an astrological chart(the one you see in horoscopes)between the slots which stand for the enemy (8th) and death(7th),lies the slot which indicate the female infuences(6th) in a man's life .This means that a female can be the reason for enmity or death.Sorry ladies,but this is Tulsidas's composition,not mine. --- Intoxication can lead to interesting results.A friend of mine and yours truly were intoxicated one night and came up with this sher "Raat nikal gayi,Humein padhna tha" There's a second line as well but that would be provided on demand.Let me know whether it really qualifies to be a sher and if you found it pathetic, it was his and not mine;) ---

just wistful

2005-09-13T11:31:00.000-07:00

Rain always brings in the same memories to me with uncompromising regularity.I sit in my room listening to that familiar sound which stir up my wounds time and again.I don't try to read the rain anymore.Its beyond what I can fathom.What I read today will be my frankesteins tomorrow. I am lost once again in what was and what is not.These are my frankesteins.The ones I created yesterday. No matter how hard I try, the rain just absorbs me.Even silence is a distraction and before I realize I am already drenched to the bone. ---- ghair lein mehfil me bosey jaam ke hum rahein yun tishnalab paighaam ke. "Strangers kiss the wineglass in your party and here I stand thirsty ,waiting for a word from you." Ghalib is just so heart wrenching. As they say men's finest works bear the marks of pain.What would there be in a story of happiness? More of Ghalib here & here ----

a few truths, a few lies

2005-09-09T12:19:00.000-07:00

Anything that can go wrong ,will .Sometimes that is applicable to things that just can't go wrong.But they do. You can never escape with murder.They'll get you, sooner or later.And even if they don't ,you'll never be able to escape from yourself. Professors and bosses are quite alike.One fires you the other flunks you. Relationships grow through smses ,cell phones and yahoo messenger windows.They just grow more complex and more painful. Memories.They hurt.They make you smile,laugh and cry.And all at the same time. "It Sucks".That's the biggest problem with my generation. Sharapova and Sania. There must be a rule against such pretty people playing such a beautiful game. I love beer.I like whiskey.I hate rum.And after some point I don't know what is what. Never flatter a pretty girl for her beauty.If you really want to ,flatter her for intelligence.It works. "You are just so obsessed with me". Is it the last nail in the coffin? "Shut up". I love the way you say it. "See?". Hmm,that makes me wonder. "I quit smoking once because I didn't want an obsession.I started smoking again because 'not smoking' was becoming an obsession" .Smart,eh. Nothing is perfect.On second thoughts "36-24-26". But I am not very sure. When you hurt others, you can always accept your mistake and walk away shamelessly. I don't recharge my cell phone.So I don't call you anymore. "Huh",yes that's your word. I always have the rightest excuse to suit your ego. You always come up with the lamest excuse to hurt mine. "Fuck you",you don't even know what that means. Girls don't like sophisticated guys.They like guys who are funny .But there's a catch to it.Atleast that is what I am told. Learn to be good,learn to be a loser.You better go for the alternative then. Know the rules before you start playing .So that when you cheat,you don't get caught. Or is there a rule against that as well.

..

2005-09-04T12:20:00.000-07:00

How i wish i had mistaken you for someone ,you never were coz if i had ,i would never be what i am -- i didn't call to say that i need you i called to find out if you do. --

we fight over most things now.

"don't be a loser" you say but you've left me with nothing to lose. "learn to win" but i am the winner don't you see it? "don't be so selfish" don't be so self contradicting. --

you refuse to hear,and so do I.

and since its your game i'll learn to play by your rules Now you can't blame me for that. --

we'd like dates

2005-08-29T06:30:00.000-07:00

Our placement season hasn't started as yet.Most of my friends in other engineering colleges have drawn blood i.e. landed cushy jobs and are at a relatively better off position than me.They can lean back ,heave a sigh,give a pat on their backs and say to themselves "After all, these three years at college were worth the effort".Well I am not sure about the E word here ,as in my case it was mostly fooling the teachers and saving my skin. This Saturday a company called Trilogy came for an off campus recruitment.However they were deprived of a few blue eyed iitians because the authorities thought it wasn't such a good idea after all.So the test was cancelled .The pre placement talk was given and we were treated to a not- so- grand luncheon at the Park, Kolkata.Now this company splurges a lot on goodies;bags,t shirts,mugs and all those stuff.So once the ppt is done this HR lady comes up and with a perfect figure and a perfect HR smile pasted right across her face (she was just trying to do her job.That is what she's paid for)asks us about what kind of goodies we'd like. HR lady:" Guys we have a few bags for you that you can collect before you leave" the crowd passes all kinds of smart comments. HR lady:(flashing the perfect HR smile again)"Okkay so what do you guys like?We always get these bags for you and mugs and t shirts.We always wonders what you kids from IIT like ?" some smart chap:"We'd like dates" ---- A recent episode in my department just made me think how selfish people can get sometimes.Now they are supposed to be the the much cliched "cream of the nation",students with high self esteem ,pumped up egos and I am sure "high moral values".I am absolutely non commital ,without a stance of my own regarding this issue because i don't want to sound politically correct or incorrect or whatever.You can call this lack of opinion or a lack of interest in whatever happened.Its all a part of the rat race I guess.Rats racing for that coveted piece of cheese.I just feel I have been thrown into a bunch of savages,who are living in some sort of compromise." The alternative would have been eating each other up and dying in the process". ---- I don't remember where I read it,or heard it from but just can't help laughing at it "The liver is a sinner,so punish it" :) ----

children of a lesser God

2005-08-26T05:28:00.000-07:00

There are a few internet/online/chat practices that freak me off.They just make me go crazy.One of them is using someone else's id.Now wtf?How can someone allow someone else to use his /her id.And you ask for the reason and you get these wonderful replies"My id is hacked ,so i am using his/her id" or better still "We are very close ,so we use each others' ids" Now gimme a break.Something's terribly wrong with this world,or I am being too cynical about this thing.Two people are close enough to use each other's ids.See personally two people can use each other's clothes,they can use each other's aftershaves,their deos,their soaps,their combs .Do they start sharing each other's undies ? Now I am not trying to draw a comparison between the two but I am trying to drive a point home. A yahoo id is "YOUR" online identity.Now you dont go about sharing your identity do you.Its like say your boy friend or your girlfriend.No matter how close someone is to you would you like to share him/her with the other person whose CLOSE to you.And ,and ,and, don't they let you register for free.It doesn't cost a fortune to have two or three id's for yourself.It doesn't even cost a shit.So why use someone else's ids when you can have any number of ids for yourself and why allow someone to use your id in the first place? ---- I started reading "the God of small things " yesterday.Its a book that i have tried to read many times in the past but haven't quite managed to do it .I was just flipping through the pages yesterday when something caught my eye.I won't tell you what.But its motivation enough to complete this book.It just made me feel that a few things in life are meant to happen at a particular time.That this was perhaps the perfect time for reading this book when I can somehow relate to a few things ,inconsequential maybe but personal nonetheless.So I have a few old scores to settle with myself and am literally reading this book with vengeance. ---- Google talk is the new big thing then.An extremely light software (just 900kb) minus frills(read emoticons and girlish stuff) this thing looks like its here to stay.Yahoo might just get a jolt to come up with something even better.Companies are no longer limited to their "domains" and customers aren't complaining .I just wish this thing had happened a bit earlier when I used to talk to a lot of people( rather "i used to talk a lot to a particular person").I guess that weakens my stance i put forward in the previous para.I am ironic huh!! ---- And on days like this the world seems a terrible place to live in.Sometimes just makes me wonder if I am one of those children of a lesser God. ----

the monk who sold his ferrari

2005-08-18T03:20:00.000-07:00

(This is not a book review) I read this book "The Monk who sold his Ferrari" last night.I term these books as "spiritual/idealistic"crap.I am not a sucker for spirituality and not even a wee bit idealistic.But just read this book and to some extent ended up liking it .Its not an original work in the sense a lot of things have been picked up from here and there.That nothing takes away from the book though.Full credits to Robin Sharma for coming up with an oft repeated and a much- cliched -super- spiritual -crash -course- recipe for all the "happiness" in the world.My thoughts after reading this book.(Okkay at least this book got me thinking). First of all I hate being spiritual.Or maybe even if I am spiritual to some extent I hate admitting that fact. I just fail to comprehend the importance of that element in my life.This doesn't imply that I am an atheist.I am not.I am neither an agnostic.I do strongly believe in some force that controls everthing that happens ,in some way or another and that it is supreme.I don't deny the existence of this supreme power.But I don't look into explanations or interpretations.I can't argue its presence or support my belief and I don't want to either. I read this somewhere that every one of us recognises his spiritual calling and this calling is recognised as a result of suffering.Suffering makes one realize his spiritual calling.Suffering pulls one towards spirituality.Fair enough.As long as we are happy,we are too busy to realize the necessity of spirituality in our lives.But again suffering is a relative term.What you term as suffering might not be as much a suffering to me.Its subjective ,open to interpretation and vastly individualistic in nature.A broken relationship maybe suffering to one ,a poor gradesheet to the other.As i said it varies.I hear this from a lot of people today that they are depressed.Being depressed seems to be the in thing.So that is what we'd like to put down as suffering.And do we recognise our spiritual calling then.Maybe yes.A lot of depressed people do.They turn towrards sprituality.They look for answers to questions that were the cause of their deprssion.I don't know whether they find their answers or not.Whether the answers actually existed in the first place? Maybe I am too naive ,too young,too rash ,too insensitive to recognise my spiritual calling.Maybe suffering to me is a far fetched term.I wouldn't like to say that I am depressed even if I am.I am not an optimist.I have a lot of bad habits and I am way too low on will power to do away with them.I dont consider myself to be happy either.I don't have answers to most of the questions.Inspite of all this I hate being spiritual.I hate finding answers to my problems in books that seem to lay down the essense of a happy life through a handful of golden tips.I find them good and they give me a lot of mental tranquility.Just that, nothing else.I don't try to incorporate them into my living.They are way too perfect for me. ---- A conversation with a friend who lent me this book. Friend:"You know what if you actually start relating to the things in these books,that you actually feel this way, that you actually live your life this way..what does it mean,is it good or what bad..or..." Me :"Good!! You are abnormal!!" ---- On a different note my guide would rather take that thing out of my cranium ,splice it,deep fry it with onions and discuss my ideas for post dinner jokes with his wife ,than have me work under him.I can already hear him burrrping.So I'd better get down to work. ----

super hero jeeju

2005-08-15T03:17:00.000-07:00

"Matches are made in heaven..sometimes they are made in IIT"

Deep Sinha

15-08-2005

A cousin of mine is getting married to a senior of mine.As a matter of fact,both happen to be my seniors at college but she's a cousin first and then a senior and he's out an out a senior.In some way the guy is a part of the family as well.He belonged to my hall of residence,my wing and stayed in a room that is two rooms next to mine.He's close to me in that sense.So two people who are kinda related to me are getting married.

I am pretty excited about this wedding.Actually its not the wedding ceremony I am talking about.Its the pair.The the bride and the groom.I know the bride .I met her a coupla times during my JEE preparation when I kind of hero worshipped her(I actually hero worshipped all IITians I knew.I even worshipped their dogs or whatever pets they had but that's another story).She came across as a very composed,confident intelligent young lady to me unlike most of the girls I met.So the word is "she was a hero to me" (and still is).Now when such a person is getting married you are bound to be curious and so i was curious and ended up asking about him to Neha who is kinda close to both of them(actually she's my cousin's sister and the guy is her jeeju.The conversation.

"Is he fat???"(starting off with this question,I zero in on the important points right from the word go.)

(Laughs,smiles(read curses me under her breath).)"Don't you have nething better to ask?"

"No.Is he fat?"

"No, he's cute"

(Okkay so he's not fat.I am relieved and he's cute.Girls have a habit of saying this all the time.Cute and sweet.They are the first words they learnt.When we guys were busy learning A for apple and B for boy,they were picking up all these words.So she finds her cute.)

"You find him cute,just because he is your Jeeju"

"Thats not true"(I know it is)

"waise bhi,even if he's fat it doesn't really matter.He's from Yale!!!"

(Yeah the guy is from Yale.He's an MBA from Yale and he is from IIT.Gosh..how do people do it?)

"So u mean Yalies and Kgpians can b fat?"

(They can be fat,they can be short,they can be bald ,they can be anything more uglier than all this.I don't care.I don't give it a damn so long as he's an MBA from Yale.)

"Does he smoke?Does he drink?"

"No and no"

(What!!!!doesn't smoke,doesn't drink.Are you sure?A fellow Kgpian,a hall mate who doesn't drink and doesn't smoke.Don't play with my emotions girl .Just don't.)

"Shit man.Your dids fell for the wrong guy"

"No actually she fell for the right kinda guy.No smoking ,no drinking.WOW"

(I am already on the verge of a major breakdown and she's still playing with my emotions.Girls do it all the time I tell you.)

"I am not coming for the wedding"

"Hey why not"

"----censored-----"(actually emotionally broken down)

(What follows is a discussion on what kinda wedding its going to be and blah blah.More blah blah.Some sort of a hybrid wedding for sure)

"Do you find him intelligent?"

" You are asking so much abt Jeejs,in such details.Do u know as much about Dids? Dids wont marry a dud!"

(Yeah alright.I know I know).

"Hmm ..but intelligent women fall for moronic men.So was just wondering what kind of a moron your Jeeju is"(I read this somewhere.I don't believe this actually.There's something fundamentally wrong about this statement.Otherwise,I would definitely have an intelligent girl friend by now.)

"Does he look like Hrithik Roshan?"(With the kind of picture building up in my mind I was just getting this impression that he would look like Hrithik Roshan.I was almost sure he would but was just clarifying)

"Why will he look like Hrithik Roshan?"(Phew..Thank God,Thank God..).

What followed was more blah blah blah about super hero jeeju from Yale,from IIT,who is cute ,isn't fat,wears specs,doesn't drink,doesn't smoke,is intelligent and probably looks like Hrithik Roshan as well(I am not sure yet).As for Dids-she's from Georgia Tech,doing her Phd(Fin),intelligent,cool,confident..no I dont like to praise people is public.

Bbye.Have a nice independence day.

an encounter with my guide

2005-08-13T05:54:00.000-07:00

One of the pre requisites for getting a degree from an IIT is the completion of the Btech project(BTP).Now a student in his fourth year is expected to complete a project.For that purpose he is assigned a professor under whose guidance he would have to work for that year.The student is expected to religiously visit his guide,talk to him,discuss ideas and report the advancements in his work.A typical encounter with my project guide. You have to wait outside his room for atleast half an hour.My guide is a busy man.First,he is a prof.Thats why they assigned me to him in the first place and then he is some sort of a top man in the computers and informatics centre(CIC) here.Actually this dual responsibility thing has become a pain in the ass for me.He has two offices now.So I have to look for him at both his offices(if he is not there at the first one i.e.)So he is a busy man.He has to meet a lot of people I guess.After waiting for half an hour you finally get to enter into his office. "Come in ,Deep" (Yeah dude.I 'll definitely come in.I haven't been waiting outside for the last half an hour just for the sake of it.So even if you don't ask me to come in ,I will.I definitely will.) I enter his room supremely confident of myself and my abilities. "So where were we,the last time?" (God why do you have to ask the same question each time I come into your office.Don't you have anything better to say.Why the same god damn question each time."Where were we?"We were in your office damn it,the same damn place as we are now.) Yes sir, you asked me to study the JPEG2000 coding techniques,and you gave me a thesis to study. "Did you go through it?" (Go through what?The thesis.ARE YOU SERIOUS?Dont I have better things to do in life.?) Err..yes sir,I did.I actually went through the part that explains the JPEG format and studied the encoding algorithm.I couldn't understand the encoding technique fully though.I have some doubts with the bit plane coding part. "Okkay good then,now what do you want to do?You have to define your project topic first." (I want to run a dagger right through your upper abdomen so that I don't have to see your face again and the project topic, well how's "New ways to get screwed by your project guide" or "The art of waiting outside your guide's room"?) Umm..uhh..yes sir the topic.Sir i think you should define it for me and I'll start working on it as soon as possible. "Have you fully understood the JPEG coding technique?" (Nice question.By the way,have you understood it yourself?I bet not.) Not fully Sir.I told you.I have some problems with the bit plane coding part. "Okkay so once you have understood the thing I want you to go through the wavelet transform part and download some JPEG2K encoder code ,try to figure out how it works and report to me next week." (How convenient.Today you want me to understand the transform all by myself,tomorrow you'd want me to win the Nobel prize.How convenient this is for you.") Yes Sir.Definitely.I'll meet you next week.

Linus Torvalds

2005-08-12T15:09:00.000-07:00

Am reading this autobiography by Linus Torvalds.Linus Torvalds for starters is the pioneer of the Linux operating system,that is the most used OS in universities and academia and the "not-so" academic organisations all over the world. The most striking feature about the book is the modesty of the man.Most autobiographies give you the feel that the person you are reading about has literally changed the world ,one way or another.This one is a striking contrast. He goes about the entire process of the creation of an OS very lucidly.A student of the University of Helsinki,Torvalds started off with this OS merely as a hobby.Little did he know at that point how it would literally change the face of computing and almost singlehandedly give MS windows a run for its money.He doesn't delve into the intricacies of the OS or its design,that makes it compatible with the non geek (I am a non geek myself)crowd as well.However there is a decent amount of open source ideology that he tries to pass on to the readers and the ideology clash with Bill Gates' MS Windows is clearly evident which make it an even more interesting read.

classroom chronicles

2005-08-11T04:49:00.000-07:00

A very (in)significant portion of a B tech student's time is spent in attending classes.And by attending classes i mean actually sitting in the classroom and listening to what the professor is saying.You may have your own version of attending a class.This is mine. Well to me attending a class means waking up at some time say xx.30 am(give or take a few minutes).Classes at my institute are scheduled from 7.30am and a class is of an hour's duration.So attending a class means getting up at a time that will leave me with enough time to walk or cycle or get a lift from a hall mate upto my department,and sometimes limits can be stretched.This routine is governed by a law which states that no matter which class it is, be it the 7.30 class the 8.30 class or the 9.30 class or for that matter even the 10.30 and the 11.30 class ,the time which I wake up falls within a range of a few minutes of the class timings as a consequence of which I am invariably late and assume one of the revered positions in the back benches of the classroom so as to prevent the class/professor from getting distracted by the arrival of the Hailey's comet.The attribute comes from the fact that I am one of those species who is rarely seen attending a class. So once inside the classroom I am expected to open my eyes and ears and everything else and listen with rapt attention to whatever is being taught .Now thats asking for too much.Firstly I cant keep my eyes open.Secondly my ears are always open but I guess once you are sleeping the power of hearing betrays you as well.And on rare occasions when my eyes decide to take a break from the usual practice of closing at the sight of the professor,my mind is lost somewhere else. I don't know the exact reason,maybe its because of the lack of intellect,or the excess of it,or maybe its because the professors out here do not match up to my standards or possibly the other way round.But the truth is either I am sleepy or I am all lost. And when i say sleepy I mean I am sleeping.Now don't get me wrong.I am not very proud of all this but facts I guess are facts and they are best when represented correctly.And I do wake up in spurts ,either the pen falls down and wakes me up or the moron sitting next to me /beside me/behind me(hypothetical..i am a back bencher) nudges me, when the eyes of the prof hovers round my vicinity.I make a hell of an effort to stay awake.If I find the professor's eyes anywhere near me I even pretend to put up a forbearance that passes the impression that everything taught is being assimilated my my hyper active mind.It could well be as vague as a Gita Discourse or the Riemann conjecture but histrionics I guess is the best refuge of the needy and the smart. This is almost my version of attending classes.And once a class is over I am rejuvenated and invigorated with all the energy in the world.A class attended,nothing learnt ,an attendance gained.

...helpless

2005-08-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

A restaurant in the middle of nowhere.We sitting across the table.Her gestures and lack of speech. "I'd rather sit by your side",I say.She agrees and fingers entwined with mine ,a grip that tightens with every word , she tells me her story and mine. And I listen to it like a stranger. As I see her tears ,I try to measure my sorrow against hers. And i laugh at the futility of weaving a sad story with all the happy words I know.

for the lack of smses :(

2005-07-31T13:11:00.000-07:00

I'll swear at you and lack the strength to say that i need you. if that means anything anylonger and the ten digit number that you save by my name. 160 characters or less even blank spaces would do. it takes a minute maybe a little more and your fingers are swift on the keypad i know but swifter are the memories that fly away like smoke through serpentine thoughts leaving me a little wiser without a piece of you that i seeked to treasure through time.

For N

2005-07-27T15:02:00.000-07:00

The spring took away remnants,of a winter well spent the lap of an illusion,an unfulfilled dream and a fickle moment. -- Reconciled and consoled,the heart felt ill the memories lingered,midst shadows still. -- Teary eyed , into the stars she gazed with pieces of the past and promises he had made.

Lost self respect and fallen pride his happiness though made her agonies subside. -- its not right to suffer, for the other's mistake but don't they say, love's not 'bout give and take.

2005-07-25T13:17:00.000-07:00

'Twas never quite so meaningless as it seems right now. Oh yeah, thats love that I am talking about. and since we are into a loveless relationship we'll learn to look for favours. we'll make mistakes foolish ones today wiser ones tomorrow you'll learn to get hurt life will teach you everything

2005-06-25T04:39:00.000-07:00

It has been eight weeks of work,endless hours of coding, ,twelve hours each day at the office,endless suttas,chai and coffee,no breakfasts,lunch at 4 ,sitting in the ac rooms with wet pants(rain being the culprit),great bosses,sexy babes,bus no 523,blogging,screwed up guards,smoking in front of the security camera,bunking on the day our cheques were issued,sleeping without a pillow and on half a mattress,8 and a half novels,the mumbai rain,screwed up Orange connection,bloghopping,Proxifier,Pooja,intellectual masturbation,local trains,beer bars.... ...my summer training that was And if you are using R World to download the Laetitia Casta pic you have been dying to put as a wallpaper on your cell phone,dont forget to thank me.At least 25% of the work is mine (Now this is cheap publicity ..it is ..it is !!!) --------------------------- The one thing I found interesting about this book was the concept of "Ambigrams".Words which look similar when you read them backwards in an inverted manner..look at the pic(Angels&Demons) Try making an ambigram for your name..mine is pretty simple..it almost looks like one :))

2005-06-21T04:37:00.000-07:00

Over a cup of coffee ,an unfinished cigarette and an afternoon that promised incessant rain i tried to find out excuses to be happy. You say i'd rather look for a reason. I've ran out of reasons you see.An excuse is more like it. Okkay the rain then ,its an excuse enough to be happy. Nah, rain always makes me wistful.When I see the trees drooping down with water I feel like one myself.Bearing the burden of this and that.It makes me wet.Silly memories.So the word's wet.Wet wet wet.Its makes me wet.From within and without.It makes me wet all over. You got your first cheque! Now,don't try to be dramatic.It sounds like "first kiss" or "first love" .It is neither.Its just a cheque.And cheques don't make no one happy. Think about her then. Her,what her.You mean her as in HER. Lets smoke.That'll make you happy. Lets breathe.You breathe,I smoke.Now tell me ,does breathing make anyone happy? Is there anything at all that makes you happy? No,nothing.Nothing that I can think of. Beer? WHY DIDN'T YA THINK OF IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. Tell me about something that makes you happy?

2005-06-16T03:16:00.000-07:00

I Smoking is an art Poetry just an addiction and you thought i was trying to be ironic about this too. II Love is a metaphor Lust an instinct and sex? they never tell you it looks good even on paper. III it seems like yesterday you call it our past. IV if we could have talked with no tomorrow on our minds how sinfully romantic it would have been just that it seems a little too perfect for us right now. V and if we ever meet again we'll just walk away like complete strangers not a moment wasted not a memory relived. VI a virgin in the lost streets looks for the customer who'll leave his virtues behind by her doorstep just to call her a prostitute. VI Oh yes we choose our own ways to hell. VII So when you sin Do that in style.

2005-06-13T07:03:00.000-07:00

Dont be so transparent you'll just fail to reflect my emotions. -- Sometimes, you are rude to me Otherwise, you are just pretending. -- Now that you are gone I don't feel lonely anymore. -- You are so complicated that you make everything else simple for me. -- if you ask me what LOVE is i'll simply ask you to look it up in the dictionary. -- I can't even write sentences without "you". There "you" go again. Huh. -- I have stopped looking for answers now the questions it seems are a bit too many. --

2005-06-13T02:35:00.000-07:00

Haloscan

quick tale #1

2005-06-08T04:30:00.000-07:00

Ananya He knew what he wanted to call her.He held her delicate head and looked at her eyes. He remembered how it had all begun.The mistaken smile,the furtive glances,the day he had proposed,the day she said yes,those ice creams they shared,the promises they made,the opposition they had to face when they decided to get married, everything ran in front of his eyes like a flash. Undeniably,the same eyes ,he thought as he looked at his newborn.There had been complications and the doctor had warned Ananya. She had wanted the baby to live.

2005-06-01T04:53:00.000-07:00

its more like u now the scared small town girl that you are and will always be ---- i know i have said something stupid to you again your wavering voice is proof enough and if its not and you feel that you can hide those tears behind your playful laughter dont be a fool. ---- words speak a great deal i know and they are all that we've ever had but sometimes silence speaks a lot more so just stop talking for once and let me hear you breathe. ---- when i say "i miss you" it doesn't mean you have to miss me too and when you say "bbye" it doesn't mean that i'll let you go. ---- you are not accustomed to my mother tongue neither are my ears to the language of your heart. ---- lets play the game of love you play, i'll love. ---- the day i said that i loved you i surrendered my ego so no matter what you say and what you do its doesn't hurt any more. ---- What will i do when you are gone? ---- and they call this useless poetry no. not even poetry.

2005-05-31T03:05:00.000-07:00

OFFICE MAARO GOLI. i m off.maybe some mall.some beach. i need to unwind.

of dance bars,crisp blue shirts and french kisses

2005-05-30T23:40:00.000-07:00

"Passion makes the world go round,Love just makes it a safer place" Two of my fortunate friends had the opportunity of visiting a dance bar on friday night .So they went with lots of balls and maybe not enough cash in their pants. Their experience: A bottle of beer costs 400 bucks(wtf..a lil bit of mathematics and you'll know that's as good as 5 bottles in a normal bar).They didn't forget their brains behind so they settled for just one bottle(how smart).Lots of pretty girls dancing.Lots of flesh on display.Well the proximity you get is in direct proportion to the amount of cash you flaunt.So two guys,stationed in a campus where females are close to exinction, in a Mumbai dance bar, lots of balls ,less of brains,threw a lot of cash(read few ten rupee notes,they didn't keep the exact figure and you can't blame them either) to get some amount of closeness to the girl(no touching mind you or you'll be thrown to the wolves).Thats most of it really.They finally walked away a few hundred rupees poorer.They didn't seem to mind though. And I am wearing a crisp ,blue shirt to the office today.Ironed yes(I wrote crisp'didn't I?),clean ofcourse,mine definitely.And one of the bosses noticed me wearing it and smiled with a "kya baat hai,nayi shirt".I am generally shabbily dressed with a shirt or a tee just struggling to stay tucked within the rims of my jeans.So the moral of the story is."go to your office ,smarly dressed.It keeps the Boss happy". Time:LUNCHTIME PLACE:food court here at the reliance campus.The ice cream parlour to be precise. I walk up to the counter and demand for a french kiss. "ek french kiss dena" The lady at the counter looks upto me from under her cap and then I realise the import of my statement. "oh,wo waala flavour" (and if you didn't get it ,the ice cream flavour is called "french kiss") ;)

2005-05-30T22:55:00.000-07:00

This book by Dan Brown is a real treat for those interested in computers,cryptography and codes.The book was a refreshing change after reading a lot of mediocre thrillers.Dan Brown definitely makes you stand up and take notice.He does a hell lot of research on whatever he writes and the fact based descriptions are a bonus.Lots of maths and history algorithms,and yes chemistry towards the end . Well this is about the NSA and its multibillion dollar project TRANSLTR , the world's most powerful codebreaker, which the NSA has hidden from the rest of the world.A Japanese who is against such a machine finds himself thrown out of NSA only to return back with an algorithm that encrypts in a way that the TRANSLTR is unable to decode.What follows is a search for the pass key after the sudden death of the Japanese , and how the NSA falls in his trap. A page turner. I have a course in Cryptography next semester and the dude who lives next door to me is doing some project on Crypto.And after reading the book I think I'll take it up.Well the course doesn't really matter coz I'll end up with a grade thats a little down the alphabetical order,but I guess I'll take it up and "bitch" if you are reading this post from your Oracle office on your lappie :)) read this book.Believe me ,its worth it. John Grisham's "The Broker" was a disappointment.It lacked his touch ,and wasn't one of his type ,no court rooms,no jurys,no law firms.It appeared more of a Robert Ludlum action thriller(minus the action) a person on the run,the CIA after him,lots of Italian food,language,description of the monuments .A big letdown.

2005-05-26T22:02:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading Akio Morita's autobiography "Made in Japan".It wasn't as stimulating or inspiring a book as I had expected it to be but that perhaps is quite subjective.Had a real tough time completing the book as at the end it becomes more of an economic times read than a soulful autobiographical narration.No doubt the book is brilliant in patches and Morita wonderfully narrates the rise of Sony as an electronic giant and along with it also shows the rise of Japan to the economic powerhouse it is today. The book starts off with the conditions prevalent in Japan pre and post WWII and the condition of the Japanese economy at that time and menaders through his childhood and youth ,the influences of his father at an early age and how the seeds of management were sowed in the young Morita right from his home.He hailed from a family that had an ancestral sake brewing business(sake is the national drink of Japan). Then Morita moves on to the story of Sony ,and its journey from a a company that was formed by a few ambitious,disillusioned bunch of Japenese young men,how the concept of starting such a company was born midst the ruins of a devastated Japan in the aftermath of the atomic bombings.Apart from the regular details of the rise of Sony its marketing and positioning amidst people all across the world,building a global brand out of a small company in Japan ,the best thing about this book is the comparison Morita makes between the Japanese and American practices not only in terms of management practices but also about differences in human values,morality,ethics,their thinking,dedication towards work,their way of attacking a problem,their attitude towards research,product manufacturing,their formal education ,the universities.Not only America but also other countries like the erstwhile SovietUnion,France,China,Germany etc.As expected Morita is all praise for Japan.Infact the superiority of the Japanese with regards to research and production is written all over and is a sentiment that runs right through the book. He quotes a joke about an American and a Japanese who were walking through the jungle together when they saw a hungry lion running towards them.The Japanese immediately sat down and began putting on his running shoes."If you think you can outrun the lion you are a fool"scoffed the American."I dont have to outrun the hungry lion"said the Japanese "I only have to outrun you".So that's what the Americans call the other side of the story.The book is that probably."The other side of the story" of the American -Japanese business relations as told by a Japanese and thats the best part probably,cause more often than not we are used to read and hear about the American version of the story. Morita comes across as a sharp,astute businessman and a person with strong faith for values,roots and culture.However there are shades of an over obsessive liking for the Japanese way of business and work culture but that takes nothing away from the charm of reading a man who tells the story of a company that rose to become a household name and went a long way in resurgence of the Japanese economy.A good read.Definitely. Haloscan

Okey ..back

2005-05-26T04:26:00.000-07:00

Maybe it was too rash ,too immature a decision. Okkay so I have a couple of excuses. And I am not trying to be dramatic. :)

THE END

2005-05-19T23:46:00.000-07:00

He buried his sins today Never to look back again Smiled at the inevitability of the end Maybe this is it. I’ll call it a day. This blog is closed.

the BLOODY intern

2005-05-13T23:33:00.000-07:00

okkay my situation is something like this ;) and i am the new guy..or else you can call me the"bloody intern" Few tips for interns who like me are sweating it out in their respective air-conditioned offices all across the globe: 1.Remember the Boss is the Boss and he/(if you are lucky enough)she is always right.He might me a moron a dumbass but at the end of the day he's your BOSS. 2.Always come to the office on time and leave on time and if you are not, make it a point to pass the wrong impression that you actually are. 3.Do not give an impression that you are too eager to work.You may be sending the wrong signals and end up doing a hell of a lot of work, when they are paying you peanuts. 4.Do not , I repeat DO NOT try to flirt or indulge in any kind of a smart conversation with females (employees) at the work place.You may as well be fiddling with an atom bomb.Remember you are a bloody intern at the end of the day and she is a full time employee. 5.You may try your luck with a few female co interns if you wish.On the whole stay away from girls.Remember the wise always stay single. 6.Do not use yahoo messenger,yahoo mail,do not entertain people calling you up at the workplace if you are not allowed to and if you do ,make sure you do not leave a trace. 6.Do not drink too much coffee ,tea that may be available at the workplace for free.Its summertime and that may do a world of damage to your metabolic system. If the boss offers you a cigarette or a drink always learn to oblige.You can always throw away the drink and keep the cigarette for me if you aren't interested in them. Well the bottomline is "Nothing is wrong,until you get caught" so do whatever you want to,work,sleep,blog,smoke,flirt,chat and don't forget to have fun on the way. I'll add a few more points as the training progresses . Readers are encouraged to come up with similar tips.They'll be added to the list.

the ROMANCE continues

2005-05-13T03:12:00.000-07:00

And I can't wait to put my hands on this piece of art.Read the previous 5 installments in the soft form .I guess I'll have enough booty to get a hard bound copy this time around.

2005-05-13T02:46:00.000-07:00

If you were to ask me to pick 10 best books I have ever read the Harry Potter Series would definitely merit a place in my list.and you would sneer and jeer and make faces and would be tempted to say "that's for the kids,aren't they" and i wud definitely come up with something like "yeah kids ,anyone who's a kid between 6 and 60" Seriously a lot of people I have talked to always seem to have a similar opinion about Harry Potter and I don't blame you coz even I had similar views about it until I started reading the first book and believe me you wouldn't stop until you have finished it all and that'll leave you hungry for more. A word of caution though "Do not watch the movies before you have read the books"They are not even half as good as the book .NOT EVEN CLOSE. and for the fans.. THE sixth book in the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, is already top of Amazon's book chart despite not being available until July 16, 2005.JK Rowling's eagerly-anticipated novel shot to the top of the pre-order pile just 24 hours after its release date was announced The sixth book in the acclaimed series finds Harry entering his sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry as the evil of Lord Voldemort grows stronger. However, as speculation mounts over the fate of Harry, Rowling has already dropped a few teasers, revealing that the Half-Blood Prince is neither Harry himself, or Voldemort, and maintaining that the idea for the novel has been in her head for the past 13 years. Another key character will also be killed off, although there have been no clues as to who. What makes the Half Blood Prince all the more anticipated is the fact that it will be the penultimate book in the series, with just one more chapter separating readers from the fate of Harry Potter and co.

2005-05-12T03:18:00.000-07:00

This is the first strip that mentions Susie Derkins. Shes pretty much the girl that Calvin has a crush on but makes fun of as to remove any question of the fact. This strip also shows how much of a smart-ass Hobbes is, which kicks ass.

What am I doing this summer?

2005-05-11T23:03:00.000-07:00

Walking I am doing a lot of walking this summer.5 km a day for sure.And I am no fitness freak and I am not an overweight either.The gate at IIT B is about 2 km from my hostel.So that makes it 4 and the remaining is covered in the huge sprawling,not so lush green Reliance campus.Phew..that a lot of wlaking to do in a day by any standards. Calvin and Hobbes Devouring on a lot of C n H these days.The one below is a hilarious take on parenting.C n H sure kicks ass.Thanks to kpowerinfinity though for initiating me into this. Smoking Lots .On the smoking terrace.My boss's boss smokes so we end up having most of our discussions on the smoking terrace. Work I know you ppl don't care.Neither do I ;) So you see that's wat I call summer training. It sure is a lot of Blood and Sweat.

2005-05-05T03:03:00.000-07:00

Office life sucks. (read office life sucks) The people out here stare at us as if we were some kind of an alien.Okkay we might be the only people who were faded jeans and floaters to work,who carry back packs and who stare at females rather shamelessly,but c'mon guys we don't deserve those "buzz-off-jerko" looks.And the people on the bus were pissed off by the fact that we would be their co passengers for the next 60 days.Well they are kinda cool,mostly 20 somethings ,30 maybe,one guy whistles,rants and raves at the babe's pic(it was anoushka,that mtv / channel V girl)that appeared at the back page of the daily yesterday and gets into an argument with a female colleauge(Human nature...XX XY eh) .So that's the crowd I commute with. So yesterday we decided on some project that deals with downloading images from Google on the mobile set.My project partner is busy downloading pics of Laetitia Casta on his PC.He is studying curves rather than concentrating on compression issues.Me as usual busy blogging and bloghopping in between sutta and coffee breaks.Yeah ,that's the present work status. The girl sitting beside me is furiously typing something.Guess she has a demo coming up.She's got a cat's pic on her desktop.Me thinks she looks like one herself. My new cell phone no is 9819590837. Mumbai's hot.The babes are hotter ;) a conversation as we were leaving from the office (pg-project guide ,us-me an my project mate) pg:So how's life in Mumbai us:umm..ok..mumbled something pg:first time coming to mumbai us:yes..no..mumbled something pg:where are you planning to go this sunday? us:mumbled something pg:maybe you can go to a dance bar stumped!!!

2005-05-04T01:48:00.000-07:00

I guess I am spending more time in the coffee room and the smoking terrace than in the lab :) The project guide continues to heap us with a lot of worload,various apps ,various slides to study.Today we are supposed to have a brain storming session and come up with the project idea/topic we would work on in the next 2 month period.The guide yesterday seemed to suggest that we could work on mobile phone BLOGGING though the entire concept of mobile phone blogging is not clear as of now.Other ideas were working on a browser that could read HTML pages (rather improve on the existing WAP browsers available on mobile sets that can read pages from sites that have been specifically designed in WML).Okkay so lots of work to look forward to :(

Reporting from Mumbai I

2005-05-02T23:30:00.000-07:00

So I am reporting from Mumbai,from the Reliance Infocomm office here at Navi Mumbai.The guys here are kinda tough task masters.We don't have access to Yahoo Mail,Messenger (though we hope to get these working in a day or two),so this is probably the only means I can make myself heard. This is just my second day at the office and if you can recollect I was supposed to do my summer internship here.So thats what I am trying to do and I 'll have to put up at this place for at least another 8 weeks.As far as the initial experience its going to be decent amount of work.Will tell you the details later. Well the campus is really happening .A highly modern setup with all kinds of security gizmos and gadgets around that makes me feel I am working for the Pentagon I mean what do these guys do.Code stuff in JAVA ( and blah blah) and they have these card swiping doors as if they were doing some high quality top secret work (huh) .Jokes apart, working for Reliance is a good first time experience .So I guess you feel that sense of importance of being associated with such a company(who cares if its just for a couple of months as a summer trainee) . I am staying at IIT Powai and its not very different from my own campus(IIT Kgp).The same screwed up guys ,similar tree lined streets,(slightly better)canteen food,(hotter,definitely hotter)chicks,same music playing in the hostel rooms ,same old CounterStrike discussions in the hostel canteen at nights.So it feels like home. Travelling though is a pain in the ass,the coffee at the office is great,they have open terraces for smoking(my project guide/friend smokes),the pay is slightly disappointing,the food courts serve good(vegetarian food),there are a lot of beatiful people around,the guards are morons,and I am really sleepy.So I'd better sign off and grab some coffee. Ciao!!

2005-04-24T07:16:00.000-07:00

Confusion and camouflage her eyes mirror him through false reflections he is lost in them and reams of paper too a cigarette and the next an eternal puff that refuses to come by until the last one turns to ash he pulls down the curtains incinerated he knows he'll rise through the ashes like a phoenix one day.

2005-04-23T10:53:00.000-07:00

and i feel like an unknown variable in a system of complex equations I am the n th variable and an equation is missing. and then again a puzzle a jigsaw puzzle i know a piece is missing. solve me complete me if u can. And if u can't just kill me through injections of careless whispers suffocate me to death through your fragrant breath strangle me with ropes of false hopes show me those dreams that'll make me blind but don't commit the sin of feeding me the poison of love again coz it'll bring me back to life.

2005-04-12T05:37:00.000-07:00

Its been three years(well allmost) since we parted ways and days away I still feel you. So what should we do when we meet? I wouldn't have much to say , maybe only a few words. You would talk endlessly I know but that would be mere words I'd fail to understand. I barely know you. And when we meet after all these years I'll still feel your presence killing me softly. So you would talk endlessly I know and maybe I'd try to read your eyes and decipher the truth , from your lies. Or maybe when you stop talking We could let the silences speak for themselves. I don't really know what prompted me to call you up and fix the meeting You have moved on I know and i think I have too and yet I wanted to feel the pain of being together once again feel the pain of knowing that I still care for you the pain of knowing that Even when I am dead, I'll swim through the earth, like a mermaid of the soil just to be next to your bones. last lines are from "Archipelago of Kisses" by Jeffrey Mcdaniel

2005-04-10T14:41:00.000-07:00

we fall ....we learn .......we rise to fall again. ..we are humanS ...after all ..we live ..we die .......and of .......all animals ..we are the ones .who learn .to cry. "the last lines are inspired by "choices" by NG"

2005-04-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

Today i tried to live with b splines and bezier curves and wonder how life meanders through a few points and we just link them together(maybe just try to) few people few places few words few tears shed here and there few moments of laughter of love and hatred and we try hard to form a curve through them and we fail to maintain a balance to attain a smoothness we desire and yet we keep working at fitting our lives between these few points although we know we'll fail that this is a struggle against our minds against our hearts against ourselves and this is a struggle that'll last not for a day and not for year but for an entire lifetime.

Helens and Eves

2005-04-07T09:57:00.000-07:00

We were having our HBO class and as usual I was having a tough time keeping myself awake when the prof suddenly popped up the issue of eve teasing(HBO stands for Human Behaviour and Organisation).He turned to the row that's occupied by girls(just one row mind you,thats how poor the ratio is here at IIT)hoping for some reaction or experience they might have had at IIT.And as usual there wasn't any reaction.So he turned to us guys and pat came the reply "NO EVES" -------------- Did you know that milliHelen is a unit of beauty? So if you are 1 milliHelen you are 1/1000 times as beautiful as the Helen of Troy/Sparta. HOW MANY milliHelens are YOU????

2005-04-02T12:35:00.000-08:00

And she looked at him straight into his face with eyes so big he could almost see himself in them.She wouldn't speak, wouldn't say anything to him until those eyes started brimming with tears and the strands of golden hair on her face shone in the light of the setting sun . He couldn't make out what was wrong and he tried to guess as he always did.He was a fool sometimes, but not always.He knew her since long and yet not good enough to know that she cried each day she met him. She had fallen for him without even knowing it herself.It was just a craving she told herself ,that would die .But it had refused to.Day in and day out she kept thinking about him and cried when there was no one around.She wasn't helpless though .She never was.She was the brave girl who always spoke her mind and took her own decisions.Yet she was unable to say this to him. And yet that evening the tears had rolled down effortlessly.She looked beautiful with her huge watery eyes.He was quite nervous never having faced a situation like this before and as usual he didn't know what to do.So he hurriedly thrust out his hankerchief towards her but in an instant withdrew it as a reflex action.She noticed and yet pretended not to have seen it.Her crying had stopped and he didn't know what to say. "I think you look very sweet when you cry",he blurted out,wondering if he should have said that in the first place. "Do you think so",she responded with that touch of shyness and a voice that had acquired a wavering quality because of the crying. "Yes ,kind of"he chipped in instantly . The "Yes" and "kind of" were so separated in time that they didn't appear to be in unison. He would have liked to say something like "Hey, I was just kidding"like a cool dude,that could have lightened the entire situation but somehow his brains weren't sending the right signals to his tongue. She smiled unable to say anything.She would have shot back with a street smart answer but unusually she found herself tongue tied. He couldn't stop himself and suddenly broke the silence with "You know what,I think I have fallen in love with you" and as he said this quite sheepishly he felt like running away from the place where he could not see those huge eyes that had suddenly fixed themselves on his face. There was this silence again and while he had started sweating profusely her heart had already skipped a hundred beats. "You are such an idiot ",she said breaking the silence and almost breaking into tears again . (This is roughly based on a true incident .the author has however taken the liberty to manipulate the exact emotions involved .)

2005-04-02T07:27:00.000-08:00

I sometimes wonder "how much I mean to others?". Lets talk a bit of mathematics for a while.I am a wreck when it comes to maths but i guess i'll handle this pretty well. (a,b)denotes a relation where a and b are related in some way.Now a symmetric relation is one WHICH SATISFIES (a,b) => (b,a) this means if a and b are related then b and a has to be related in exactly the same fashion. Now coming back to my what i was pondering on.How much i mean to others? Its not a symmetric relation afterall.Someone might mean a lot to you.(Say a means a lot to b) and you might mean absolutely nothing to the other person(b doesn't mean anthything to a). That is what I always say"LIFE'S AIN'T MATHEMATICS".In the meantime,I'll keep wondering.

2005-04-01T11:16:00.000-08:00

koi bhanwar kisi kumudini pe jaa baitha to hungama koi khwab khayalon me pal baitha to hungama log kisse sunaate hain mohabbat ke hum kisse ko haqeeqat me badal baithe to hungama

Fools Die

2005-03-30T10:25:00.000-08:00

Listen to me. I will tell you the truth about a man's life.I will tell you the truth about his love for women.That he never hates them.Already you think I am on the wrong track.Stay with me.I'm a master of magic. Do you believe a man can truly love a woman & constantly betray her?Never mind physically,but betray her in his mind,in the very poetry of his soul.Well its not easy but men do it all the time. Do you want to know how a woman can love you,feed you that love deliberately to poison your body and mind ,simply to destroy you?And out of passionate love choose not to love you anymore?And at the same time dizzy you with an idiot's ecstasy. Impossible?That's the easy part. But don't run away.This is not a love story. Current state of mind : confused Current music :Ek ajnabee haseena se yun mulaqat ho gayi......

2005-03-23T08:19:00.000-08:00

GC kiske baap ki? patel ,patel

ur my sunshine

2005-03-22T13:02:00.000-08:00

She walks with the wind light and nimble as the sun shines bright on her So she complains 'bout the sun and she cribs and whines (as she usually does) it hurts her she says tans her, burns her beauty away. Oh baby look into my eyes let ur beauty flow and let my stars shine bright its not your skin that glows its your heart that shines and your smile lights up a thousand suns in my little broken heart that once throbbed with joy each time My eyes fell on you. :) (i am really amused at this piece of mine and i hope you find it good enough if you ever come across this.As i said i can never rhyme,not even in a thousand years and plsssss drop in a comment.pleeeess)

sin

2005-03-22T12:07:00.000-08:00

Wrapped in lust desire raised its head that night when i held you tight around your waist like a vicious animal in search for food a prey you were to me a rotten longingness that crept into my being ripping across through your soul i know your heart bleeds still and i cry cause it was all against my will.

2005-03-21T05:34:00.000-08:00

With mirth and mockery The woollen clouds above conspired to wet the earth and wash it of all its pain. So the winds blew Changed their direction and the rain robbed the earth of all the heat . As the lover in me lay beneath drenched and laughed back at the clouds that couldn't quench the angst that lay hidden in the crusts of his soul

a lazzzzy Sunday

2005-03-20T06:38:00.000-08:00

Time since last smoke:17hrs The last time I was at home :2nd JAN 05 I haven't had a haircut since close to:2 n a 1/2 months My current mood: :) What's on my jukebox: "the new shit" Marilyn Manson Whats on my head: Gotto watch the latest DVD version of Hum Tum, Working on my BTech project "Someone get a sutta for me" Quote of the day: "Pata hai ..pehle to life mein 1% kaam nazar bhi aata tha .ab to ekdum nikamma feel kar rahi hun" -S,the day after she got her job

2005-03-19T12:50:00.000-08:00

S got placed today with Wipro.I am ecstatic.Feeling like its me who has got the job.Very happy after a long long time.

censored stuff

2005-03-19T06:15:00.000-08:00

"Don't fall for a girl who is highly emotional,caring ,sentimental,who laughs at your jokes and loves your haircut...actually don't fall for any girl...coz of late I have realized that the best girls are those who are either married or are lesbians" (ooops) Thanks buddy.

Iris

2005-03-19T05:26:00.000-08:00

My speakers are kinda screwed up so I have been listening to a lot of noise lately .This song however is purely sublime.Recommended strongly for all those in love and out of it .This is an absolute must listen. And I’d give up forever to touch you ’cause I know that you feel me somehow You’re the closest to heaven that i’ll Ever be And I don’t want to go home right now And all I can taste is this moment And all I can breathe is your life ’cause sooner or later it’s over I just don’t want to miss you tonight And I don’t want the world to see me ’cause I don’t think that they’d Understand When everything’s made to be broken I just want you to know who I am And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t Coming Or the moment of truth in your lies When everything feels like the movies Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive (IRIS, Goo Goo Dolls) This is an OST from City of Angels which is a pretty forgettable movie .Moves very slowly and has a sloppy storyline.Nicholas Cage is an angel who falls in love with Meg Ryan a surgeon.In order to marry her he jumps off a skyscraper to lose his angelic powers and turns into a mortal only to find Meg Ryan run over by a lorry.(Maybe her cycle didn't have brakes and even if it did her reaction time was a bit too much).So a movie with a sad ending is not my type .A big letdown really.Make it 1 star and a half.On second thoughts 1 would do.

For SG

2005-03-16T11:51:00.000-08:00

"Can we still be friends?" Sounds familiar, doesn't it?It sucks ,it really does.Whaddya say?

Mumbai !!!

2005-03-15T08:33:00.000-08:00

I am going to spend my summers in Mumbai.No its not going to be a holiday.I have to do an internship at Reliance Infocomm ,otherwise these guys here at IIT won't give me my degree.So I have to sweat out my holidays in Mumbai working as an intern. Well its not a bad proposition entirely.Mumbai is a nice place.May and June aren't exactly the months I'd look forward to spend in a hot place .But I don't have an option.I'd be working in a project called DADP (Dhirubhai Ambani Development Project).I just hope I got it right.Basically we are expected to work on wireless technologies,data services to be precise.For the uninitiated data services include sms,ringtones,mms ,mobile phone games and all such stuff.If I am giving you the impression that I am absolutely dying to go there and work on all these things , just hang on buddy. I am going there because I don't have another option.If these guys allowed me to spend my vacations at home ,eating home cooked food and watching tv and giving me my stipend I would have been more than happy. But they aren't going to do that.And I am not going to be an asshole I usually am and would do almost everything they expect me to do.However six days a week is quite a tough ask and they aren't paying me in dollars so that's going to make it tougher still. Moreover its going to be our first taste of corporate life ,white shirts,blue pants ,ties.No we aren't going to wear them.We'll stick to our usual jeans,tees and floaters .We are interns after all,still undergrads and we'll try to come to terms with the real industrial world.And definitely its not going to be work ,work ,work .Definitely not.We'll have our share of fun.As I said Mumbai is a nice place,lot of pretty roads and hot chicks,choupati,marine drive,and it has Goa close by . So its gonna be work and play.Which one's gonna predominate only time will tell.

Setting Goals

2005-03-14T10:38:00.000-08:00

Chetan Bhagat remarked in his notoriously famous book Five Point Someone "By his third year an iitian knows where he stands"(his and he have been used because a vast majority of IITians happen to be males) So here I am standing at the threshold of my 3rd year of stay here at the Indian Institute of Technology,Kharagpur.Three years ago when I came to IIT fresh from my JEE triumph little did I know what this place had in store for me and it has been quite a ride ,and arguably quite a bumpy one at that.Blame my AIR that I landed in the department of Computer Science and Engineering so full of people with pumped up egos and so full of courses that make these egos come crashing down .I really don't know what made me take up this branch as it is more of a "what are you getting" than "what are you interested in "stuff and since I could have taking anything I wanted to and since people with ranks similar to mine were expected to take up CS ,so I took this up.Not that I regret it now .Frankly speaking I don't consider myself good enough for a Bachelor of Technology's degree from IIT and so the branch of study hardly matters.I can't crib about landing into a stream that wasn't my type cause I really wonder which branch I would have been interested in. Now with just another year to go its time to decide what I want to do next,time for reassesing,judging myself,establishing priorities and setting goals.I don't see myself doing a coding job in some firm at Bangalore living and dying by the deadlines that my Boss sets for me.In short or rather simply put I don't want to take up a job this early.So that leaves me with an option to study.Now an IITian is expected to do one of the three things once he gets out of this place .He either takes up a job OR takes the GRE applies to a dozen American Universities and disappears into that country's vast technological underbelly only to appear in matrimonial columns with a dollar salary multiplied diligently with the day's exchange rate OR he writes the CAT.I have already ruled out the first option and you don't have to be a mathematician to undersatnd that the second is a more far fetched option for me.That leaves me with the third option. So I am writing CAT this year and if I want to make something out of it I have to start preparing for it right now and RIGHT AWAY.

a few questions

2005-03-10T14:23:00.000-08:00

Why crave for happiness if the only thing you know for sure about it is the inevitability of betrayal? What sort of pictures could a Van Gogh with his soul at peace have painted? What's the big deal about happiness?

doing nothing ,nothing REALLY!!

2005-03-08T14:53:00.000-08:00

I haven't been doing much since I don't know when.I am back from Azad's Hall day and it has been a pretty eventful evening for reasons I wouldn't like to divulge because it doesn't really involve me so much so as to allow me the freedom to do the talking. So the past few days have been pretty eventless in the sense I have managed to bunk most of my classes without attracting undue attention and sleeping for something close to a 12 hours a day. Okkay so I have been reading: A Beautiful Mind To Kill a Mocking Bird Never Mind The Chains Watched a few movies Love me if you dare City of Angels Jerry Macguire(just finished watching this movie) and I have been listening to(my current favourites) Iris(Goo Goo dolls) November Rain(GnR) Come undone(Duran Duran) Fields of gold(Sting) Besides that I have been doing nothing ,absolutely nothing.Just waiting for some inspiration to put my asses to work.Actually wanted to do a lot of bitching tonight but will keep that for later.I just don't feel the intensity right now.

Down Memory Lane

2005-03-07T12:37:00.000-08:00

Taking a trip down memory lane always refreshes you.And there's nothing like remembering old school friends who in one way or the other have made such a profound impact on me,as to who I am ,what I am today.I spent some of my most beautiful and formative years with these people,living together,laughing and crying ,learning to read and write ,fall and rise.It was like living and dying together for so many years of our lives . I am in contact with a lot of these guys today ,thanks to technology.But there are a few people I have entirely lost touch with,really special people ,special in their own way.I generally make it a point to meet them when I am at home and we always end up having a wonderful time together ,reliving those days we spend together,discussing teachers and funny episodes,how so and so is doing,wondering why we grew up so quickly,how V has changed so drastically and why R had to get married so quickly. Was going through my slam book tonight and stumbled onto some sweet and interesting stuff. Hiten (ambition)not yet decided (most embarrasing moment)-when the girl whom i admired tied me rakhi (lines for me)You are a good boy and be good throughout your life.Aur lens laga lena varna ladki nahi milegi (Man I just wish I had heeded your advice) Amrit (lines for me)Deep you are the only person whom I have admired the most.You are the person who will always be there to help me and especially I'll always remember you for writing on my cards for gfs. S (lines for me)The fruit of love grows on my tree,pluck it and eat it when you are free.You are the most important person in my life.Everytime ready to help ,laugh(without any reason)care etc etc.Do call me up. (Sweetheart you are the first one I am going to call up tomorrow,just wish your number hasn't changed ;)) If any of you guys come across this just give me a call(09932318841).I am just dying to meet you people.

The City of Joy

2005-03-01T14:19:00.000-08:00

First time that I didn't go home after the mid sems in three years.Went to Kolkata instead.Kolkata is always cool with its old world charm,and the ferry ride from Howrah is always refreshing after the local train ride.Didn't do much in Kolkata though. Met Neha and kind of pissed her off with the sms thing.See i never wanted to read your sms but it was you who passed on the cell to me .And in any case I couldn't make heads or tails out of it. So I am not in line for punisment for "the breach of privacy" or something.And more importantly, though I know you don't want to know this and you don't really care, "I don't have a girlfriend". Kick Saru if you want to. Shopped(till we literally dropped and ran out of all cash we had) for a friend's girlfriend's birthday gifts (don't get me wrong..i wasn't paying for her)and in the process missed the Fuzon show in Presidency ,probably first time that they were performing in India.Pizza at Dominos although they are always a tad bit too cheesy for me. Oxford Book Store and "the upto 90% OFF" banner was too much to resist ."A Beautiful Mind"(just 10% off..the "upto" thing was probably the biggest idea these marketing/retail/banya guys hit upon)to satisfy my not-so-intellectual appetite when it comes to biographies(now how ironic this is).Shopping at Pantaloons for nearly three hours getting things from a pair of earrings to a pair of jeans, cards and stuff ,the end of season sale alluring us and after a tiring day ,a dinner that consisted of it-can't-get-worse-than this butter/whatever chicken and two thousand bucks later caught the train back to good ol Kgp.Shopping always hurts in hindsight and I guess I am spending a bit too much these days so have to cut down on my phone and cigarette bills. Missing Home like anything.Just wanna catch the next train to Ranchi.But I guess will have to hang on and wait for Holi. ****** written on a poster in a friend's room "Don't drink and drive SMOKE AND FLY" If someone told you only Fools smoke ,think again!!!!

2005-02-21T12:39:00.000-08:00

Bahaane aur bhi hote

jo zindagi ke liye

Hum ek baar teri aarzoo

bhi kho dete.

Haadse aur bhi guzre

teri ulfat ke siva

Haan mujhe dekh mujhe

ab meri tasveer na dekh

-Majrooh Sultanpuri

The Lady at the Bar

2005-02-18T13:18:00.000-08:00

One Saturday night, As heavens cried, I drove down the streets of loneliness Nursing a broken heart Wiping a tear that hung on my windshield When something caught my eye. A neon sign it was Another neon sign down the road Three letters glistened distinct and clear Powerful enough to make me pull up my car By the side of the road' Twas a bar. Smoke filled and crazy Midst a boisterous crowd Moved smartly dressed bartenders As the smell of wine Hung loosely in the air. At the corner and away from the crowd Sat a lady dressed in elfin white As white as a dead man's shroud. Black earrings dangled that almost kissed her cheeks Sitting all alone As her fingers played on the wineglass. Went up and asked her If she'd like my company. "I don't like men", she said "They are dogs that walk the earth on two feet. They crave for love and they go. Love they know not ,its just lust that they know." Something struck my head It wasn't her perfume though. As I sat by her side and ordered some whisky. "Women are devils" I retorted "Devils personified They think they are angels Enchantresses they are,Who eat into our soul. They know not themselves And they say love is their only goal." Her eyes shone , As moon in the dark mascara sky,false eyelashes And a wicked smile lit up her face As she parted her blood red lips to speak "You seem to be heart broken " she said "And so you think of us as a curse to your race." We fell silent hence. Five pegs later and tween the sixth As I felt my body giving in to the heat And as my feet grew light Craving for flight. She spoke again. Drunk she was to the hilt And it was not she who was speaking, 'twas her pain. "Do you see not we are of the same kind" Heart broken and blind We seem to run with the flow We think not ,we just go Along the path our wicked hearts show And we lose control and we lose sight Allow someone to break our hearts And end up in a bar like this Like you and me tonight. The lips seemed a blur The reds turned pink and the pinks turned black The next morning woke up White sheets ,Pure and white and suddenly caught sight Of a card that lay beneath the vase Twas her visiting card,with a note on it. "CALL ME UP,JUST IN CASE" (Whisky sure screws you up . So do Women.) Someone please help me with a better title.

2005-02-18T04:46:00.000-08:00

I want to run away, Run away to a place where, the sun never sets, where hope never floats and love doesn't hurt. where hearts don't break and wounds ever heal I want tor run away, To a place Where I could bury my sins and drive away the demons of the past Where I could stack away the evil and burn away the pain. I want to run away Run away from myself. Just wanna know Who I am.

scribble scribble !!

2005-02-17T04:41:00.000-08:00

THE KISS That rush of blood That dash of heat That deafening silence The blurring of vision The hearts exploded Emotions that drenched us to the bone As those lips clashed And the flesh met As souls intermingled Lost in the colour of lust Passions burnt Reasons mocked As time stood still And love searched for its way Through the bloom of spring. Was it your love? Or just your lipstick that tasted so sweet. ******* If the sun could freeze and stars could fall If rivers could stop And silences speak If poison could heal And you could feel I KNOW YOU COULD LOVE ME THEN.

*******

Nikki Giovanni

2005-02-16T15:05:00.000-08:00

I'm Not Lonely i'm not lonely sleeping all alone you think i'm scared but i'm a big girl i don't cry or anything i have a greatbig bedto roll around in and lots of space and idon't dream bad dreams like i used to have that youwere leaving me anymore now that you're gone i don't dream and no matter what you think i'm not lonely sleeping all alone

Balances

in life

one is always balancing

like we juggle our mothers against our fathers

or one teacher against another

(only to balance our grade average)

3 grains of salt to one ounce truth

our sweet black essence

or the funky honkies down the street

and lately I've begun wondering

if you re trying to tell me something

we used to talk all night

and do things alone together

and i've begun(as a reaction to a feeling)

to balance the pleasure of loneliness

against the pain of loving you

When I Die

when i die i hope no one who ever hurt me cries and if they cry i hope their eyes fall out and a million maggots that had made up their brains crawl from the empty holes and devour the flesh that covered the evil that passed itself off as a person that i probably tried to love

Chk out more of these fabulous Nikki Giovanni poems here

2005-02-14T15:52:00.000-08:00

Wise men say, Only fools rush in, But I can't help fall, Falling in love with you.

UB40

2005-02-14T13:09:00.000-08:00

"you'd rather not hear it now ?But I want you to hear it.We never need to say anything to each other when we are together.This is for the time when we won't be together.I love you .As selfishly as the fact that I exist.As selfishly as my lungs breathe air.I breathe for my own necessity,for the fuel of my body,for my survival.I 've given you,not my sacrifice or my pity,but my ego and my naked need.This is the only way you can wish to be loved.This is the only way I can want you to love me.If you married me now,I would become your whole existence.But I would not want you then.you would not want yourself-and so you would not love me long.To say 'I love you' one must know first how to say the 'I'.The kind of surrender I could jave from you now would give me nothing but an empty hulk.If I demanded it,I'd destroy you.That's why I won't stop you.I don't know how I'll live through tonight,but I will.I want you as whole,as I am ,as you'll remain in the battle you have chosen.A battle is never selfless.You must learn not to be afraid of the world.Not to be held by it as you are now.Never to be hurt by it.I must let you learn it.I can't help you.You must find your own way.When you have,you'll come back to me.They won't destry me and they won't destroy you.You'll win,because you have chosen the hardest way of fighting for your freedom from the world.I'll wait for you.I love you.I'm saying this now for all the years we'll have to wait.I love you." Howard Roark in "the Fountainhead"

14.02.XXXX

2005-02-13T13:45:00.000-08:00

For all those moments , I spent waiting for nothing, For being a teacher , For all the care , And for all that you shared. For making me stronger For all the joy and agony Pain and exultation. Tears and laughter Confusions and trust For everything you meant to me. For nine red roses and one white. Anxious days,the tensions And the dreams at night. For the companionship, The togetherness and the separation, All those suppressed emotions A HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU :) 'Cause nothin' lasts forever And we both know hearts can change And it's hard to hold a candle In the cold November rain

tALKING sPORTS ,Talking LOVE!!!!

2005-02-13T04:30:00.000-08:00

I am fairly good at sports and I don't mind losing.Right from my childhood I have been good at them.Good as in decently good.I can pick up a game pretty fast and manage to play it well if not extraordinarily well. I got into my school cricket team when I was in the sixth standard(that was the minimum grade u were supposed to be to be considered for selection).I was a bowler.I liked to think that I was a fast bowler but you can't expect a 12 year old kid to hurl balls at some insane speed down the 22 yard track.But yes I bowled my heart out.I used every ounce of strength I had in my shoulders to bowl.And yes I was a pretty decent batsman,and a teshnical one too(infact I was categorised as one of those too technical batsmen).I didn't know where my off stump was(half of the Indian team doesn't know that either) and I couldn't play on the leg side at all.However I could hit any ball that came on the offside wherever I wanted it to and I always had enough time to play,no matter how fast the bowler was.But I scored pretty slowly and I held my ground for a long time without giving the scorer too much trouble,so I didn't like to think of myself as batsman.So I settled in as the bowler who could bowl fast and hit 10 runs in an over whenever his team needed him to. Basketball might have been an exception.I worked my butts out ,sweated under the sun but couldn't manage to play it well.It was introduced in school when I was in the eighth standard and like all other games I tried my hands at it too but I couldn't make a game out of it.I could dribble but the ball would never be in control and more often than not I found myself doubling(I didn't know why the heck it all happened).Okkay I did my layups pretty well and I could convert 6 out of every 10 free throws that came my way,but I wasn't fast enough and I couldn't figure myself tearing down the court like a bull when counterattacked and didn't pass really well .So the final word was "I am not a good basketball player at all".So I never tried it again. I took up tennis pretty late.I was through with first year at IIT and I needed to do something during that mammoth summer break we had.So I figured I'd play tennis or maybe learn to play it.And as usual and unlike basketball I picked it up quick.One month of playing and I was already into NSO tennis ,two months and I was winning at open IIT ,three months and the coach called me for the Inter IIT practice.Yeah,so I was good at this game.I could serve,I had a good backhand(a rarity at this level) and I moved decently on the court ,though I couldn't play that touch and chip game and more often than not I looked forward to the opposition making a mistake rather than hitting a cracker down the line. Well Tennis is the only game I play right now and when I say I play, I mean I can consider going out with you and hit a few shots if you want me to.Apart from tennis I used to be interested in a game called Love.Not anymore.I figured out it wasn't one of my favourite sports and more often than not I ended up on the losing side. But Love is not a sport exactly,more of a war , no rules,no justifications , everything fair.Just go get it.Never play,never take it easy,hang in and fight for it. And to all those souls in love,its time to feel lovey dovey and to those NOT so much in love "PLEEESE GO n GET SOMEONE FOR YOURSELVES". HAPPY VALENTINES DAY to all !!!!! may Cupid's arrow >>>------> pierce ur hearts.

2005-02-10T04:07:00.000-08:00

Nothing can stop emotions that run down the sides of your face Wish i could change this moment to another time and place Nothing you say can move me I've chosen the road that I'm on I have to join the fight for freedom until the war is won Someone will always hear you Care about you when you cry But no one can hear my heart is breaking as I say goodbye We will keep the faith between us if we only try We will keep the truth inside us love will never lie MLTR

2005-02-08T15:15:00.000-08:00

Why don't you meet me someday? We'll discuss , Things we lost in time Over cigarettes and coffee Few chewing gums and lime. We'll play with words You play with yours I'll with mine And lets see If we can weave a story That'll speak to us alike I know and you know it too, I've never had And will never have it My way. For a change maybe Just listen to me once Meet me someday.

yet another day

2005-02-08T14:20:00.000-08:00

I wake up each day To the sound of the alarm clock Searching for a way Midst the urgency of the morn. I carry myself to work Sleep doped and weary Plod through the day My eyes search for you They know they'll never find you anyway. Day turns to night Now I'll stop thinking about what's happening and what else might. These are just games That my stars play Before I put myself to sleep To meet yet another day.

Middle Level Managers and Broken Hearts

2005-02-08T11:37:00.000-08:00

I am having one of those wonderful phases in life when everything seems to be working against me and there is this feeling of being highly jobless. I already have a b tech project in hand and I have nothing to do. I have assignments to submit and I have nothing to do. I have a presentation coming up tomorrow and I have nothing to do. I have my midsems coming up yet I have nothing to do. I have classes to attend ,still I have nothing to do. So much work , still this feeling.I have to make a presentation tomorrow on the problems and solutions to the problems of Middle Level managers.Its supposed to be done in a group of ten people and everyone in a group gets the same score.So its not my headache .I am an ace at playing the "Social Loafer" and thats getting me marks tomorrow.And btw what solutions are we supposed to provide.We are a group of kids not even graduates and we are supposed to be suggesting solutions to the problems of the guys working at the middle managerial level.Now how the hell are we supposed to do that and that too in a single night and that too when half of the group members are not even aware of the topic of presentation because they are too busy sleeping,going around with their girlfriends(this is an entirely hypothetical situation as the probability of having a girlfriend here is as good as finding life on Venus)or others like me are busy having suttas and tea discussing far important issues like broken hearts and unfulfilled love.And we are supposed to be that group of elitist individuals who go by the name of IITians ,who dads all around India are so obsessed with to get their girls married to and who in not more than five six years are going to be project managers in some top notch company somewhere. Now look at me Three to four guys of my group are preparing the powerpoint slides for tomorrow's presentation and here I am writing this blog ,God know's why?But look at it differently and you'll see no point in getting yourself involved in a discussion that will lead to amteurish solutions to serious corporate life problems.Now I can't give those group of red headed guys from HBS a run for their money.Can I? So I'd better discuss more important more pragmatic things. But the problem is "I have a test coming up on Friday and still I have nothing to do".Somebody with a solution please call me up.

Happy B'day loverboy

2005-02-06T13:42:00.000-08:00

A baby takes birth. Steps into an all unknown world. Just another baby Another face to the earth Another addition to the population. So does, A dream come true. A new world takes shape. Mother's delight Father's pride. Its must be like all efforts ,all deeds, all those moments were fused into one tiny , eternal little bundle of joy. Happy Birthday Prem.So today you are a year older,smarter,wiser and sexier.You know the next few lines so go get it dude.May God bless you.And don't worry I'll write you a testimonial someday. and for God's sake grow old faster,the best is yet to come.Try pushing the fast forward button.I hope it works ;))

2005-02-05T07:23:00.000-08:00

This is what a friend wrote to me: "well done ..kudos to u ..do one thing ..substitute ur breakfast ,lunch ,dinner everything with cigarettes...if u want i can prescribe a proper SMOKE DIET for u which will have enuf nutrients in it to kill u in a month ..just a sample.....try this for breakfast...this is important beacause it'll attack the "virgin" lungs and the effect will b more pronounced ..5 packs NAVY CUT beacuse of easy availability... 1 packet CHARMS for that extra strong effect..4 packs of DUNHILL for that royal feeling ...2 packs DAVIDOFF because its the doctor's(who??me of course) choice....3 packets of GARAM GUDAN for that sweet flavor ..if u r still alive after a month,then do contact me ..i'll prescribe u a stronger dose and a more nutritional diet ..till then enjoi the diet and stay healthy "

Now what can I say?

2005-02-04T13:34:00.000-08:00

These words spoke to me like nothing ever has.But I dunno what it all means. ..watchin the sun go down....thinkin abt ur endeavours ..ur moves....one koffe n then another....till de last 1 burns ur lips....u kno it now....u kno its time for poise...to grapple every tear...shape it into a ..dew drop n let it go as sun rises....u kno.... its time to hide every tear...., its time to smile at every wound.... its time to scratch ur outer layer... its time to see tht no debris is found..... seasons may cum n seasons may go..... bt i kno u r the one who knows me thru...... u know y i do the thngs i do........ n plz let me kno tht u wontjust let me go............. i dunno whr i had read it bt sumthng very true.... "the light tht shines comes from thine eyes... the day breaks not:it is my heart......"

Its just bout tonight

2005-02-02T13:16:00.000-08:00

Its about tonight Cold,grey and bleak, No,nothing's wrong with me, Yet nothing seems to be right. Its bout YOU. And not about me. I don't know you, Dunno why I thought I did. We just listen to each other's voices And try to figure out the emotions. We don't know our pain Our hearts don't speak the same language Strangers they are And strangers they'll ever remain. We walked the same roads Crossed the same paths. Why everything seems to be a crossroad now? Different directions we are now looking at Along the way, Some things went wrong Don't know when and don't know how? Some things that were never meant to be, Things you never wanted me to see. Yet I see you now the way you used to be. and I see you smile A smile that's not meant for me. I stand on my feet as the dew drops crumble beneath Drops of glory, they don't know my pain. I wish I could hear them cry. But dew drops they are, They aren't tears that rain, Down my cheeks in vain. As I grapple for answers in the dark, Though I know I'll meet the same questions again. I don't know what's wrong And I don't know what's right I guess Its just bout tonight.

dedicated to you..and to the spirit of being lonely.

stop worrying

2005-01-31T05:38:00.000-08:00

So here comes the TESTing time.Got my first class test tommorow .The course is called"Real Time Systems".I hardly attended any of the classes and didn't know the test was coming up.Now thats what I call getting to know about the test in "Real Time".I guess I just have enough time to make a Real effort at taking the test in a PREPARED state. ***** I bought an ashtray yesterday and wrote this on it"STOP WORRYING,START SMOKING !!!" Some people are gonna kill me for this.

an embittered post

2005-01-30T10:32:00.000-08:00

You never realize how much you love someone until you have to let go of her.Gets tough really.And life throws these surprises at you that throw you off gear.Its like life was waiting for an opportunity to strike a blow and it struck where it hurts the most,as if its having the last laugh.Suddenly from out of the blue ,shoots you right at the face ,doesn't even give you the time to react,cripples all reflexes ,all moves.I wish I could freeze this moment in a dew drop , hold these butterflies of misery,but they fly away,the drops melt away . Grudges , complaints , just empty moments that fill the day,the vast vaccuum,weak moments ,fits of depression,restlessness . I just wish I could dump Life ,make you realize how it feels. Don't throw chocolates at me tomorrow,I know your moves now,your allures,a vampire that you are ,you'll suck my soul away. Please don't happen to me tommorow.

lemme taste life

2005-01-28T06:12:00.000-08:00

Get me a drink Lemme taste fire and ice together Lesse whether fire burns the ice Or ice kills the fire. Love ,pain,desire Which one's ice ,which one's fire? Lemme taste LIFE Lemme drink this painful satire.

Nostalgia

2005-01-27T13:13:00.000-08:00

Its strange how things keep happening to you and you keep on moving.Events,places ,people,silly little insignificant events cling on while others that may have been drastic and rather important fade away . Solitude , sometimes introspection brings all that back in a flash and a fickle, sudden burning desire to relive those moments engulfs you and you wish the time machine was a reality ,not just a mere writer's imagination. The spring fest brought back a few moments.Friends are forever ,be it the small little classroom of a school in an obscure little town or the mess top of Azad here at Kgp enjoying that drink together that night.Nostalgia ..ah the word,the glory.Reliving those little moments,insignificant maybe but still gives you the goosebumps ,and I wonder how far we have moved since those days in school ,those heavy back packs ,those carefully prepared tiffin boxes that mummy made for you early morning,interfering teachers,silly girls.I just wonder what our vice principal's reactions would be at the cigarettes that burned so proudly in our fingertips .Blood is thicker than water they say,maybe friendship is thicker still and we'll be ever proud of the years we spent together trying to become men out of boys and the bondings formed will stay forever ,come what may. I'll count my blessings tonight , look up and thank him for everything.

I am single,free and happy

2005-01-19T14:11:00.000-08:00

All forlorn,lost,dejected,rejected souls say this to yourself and see how it feels.Right at the top of the world. Sometimes it gets lonely at the top,doesn't it? :(

arbit thoughts that cloud the mind

2005-01-18T14:09:00.000-08:00

you had taken things for granted when they shouldn't have been.That love can never be taken for granted nor the one you love.At the end of the day its not about you ,its about us and when its not about us its about you and me ,two entities ,two words lacking the colour of oneness,lacking the colour of love.

2005-01-18T13:40:00.000-08:00

I am happy.Okkay fine I haven't had a nice , happy post in ages but that doesn't mean I am all down and I hate everyhthing around me.I mean its ok .It happens to everyone , doesn't it.And it feels really good to say this to yourself"I am happy, no matter what".The chips maybe down,but hang on , hold on,things will get fine.Smile.Laugh.Enjoy yourselves.As far as my nicotine intake is concerned , I am giving it up.Someday I will. If not tommorow,someday.Be an optimist.See the brighter side of things.Enjoy each single moment.Learn to live.After all ,all of us will die one day.Won't we.Till then LIVE. I love you (all) .You see that all .I love you ALL.See it now!!! and I'll rise in love someday.Ladies stay away, I am not interested.You people just add to my miseries,my phone bills and my Dad's worries.Get some sense.GET SOME SENSE.You people don't seem to get in the first time around.I am not a forlorn lonely soul.I have my friends who keep me happy.I doon't need some pretty young thing around to feel great.I just don't.Yeah yeah I am a creep and all that.But that's the way I am .Don't call me up again,ever again.I don't need you. P.S:GOD I AM SO GOOD AT LYING.I WISH I WERE THIS GOOD AT SOMETHING ELSE ;)

What if???

2005-01-17T14:48:00.000-08:00

what if you don't get to see another day? what if you don't get to attend another class? what if you don't get to see her ever again? what if you don't get to shed another tear? what if you don't get to smoke another cigarette? what if you never wake up? what if I STOPPED BLOGGING? "RELIEF"

No seriously .Get the most out of and into whatever you do.Kya pata kal ho naa ho.

2005-01-17T05:46:00.000-08:00

I never knew I was so vulnerable.These words have been reverberating in my eardrums and my 980 Watt speakers alike ,throughout the day.

Dil dard ka tukra hai,

Pathar ki dali si hai ,

Ek andha kuan hai ya,

Ek band gali si hai,

Ek chota sa lamha hai,

Jo khatm nahi hota,

Main lakh jalata hun,

Yeh bhasm nahi hota.

Gulzar

the heart is like a chunk of pain,

its like a piece of stone,

its like a blind well ,

a closed avenue.

Its an eternal moment

that doesn't burn away

no matter how hard I try

On a brighther note I'll leave you with a few great lines . "My philosophy ,in essence is the concept of man as a heroic being ,with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life ,with productive achievement as his noblest activity,and reason as his only absolute." -Ayn Rand

I want a new SOUL

2005-01-16T20:51:00.000-08:00

Lonely. A bed A dirty room Ash Rising Smoke,sinking heart. bud of a half burnt cigarette A pillow. Someone please stifle me with this pillow. I want to be reborn. with a new soul pumped with a new confidence infused with some self respect injected with some pride invigorated with new energy I want back the glory of yore. I want a new soul.

2005-01-16T20:11:00.000-08:00

Oh the nuances of falling in love with a girl some few thousand miles away from you.That she meant the world to you, may be a tad bit more ,that you couldn't look beyond her cause the light of love shone so fiercely into my innocent ,ignorant eyes.That she didn't love me ,that she always kept saying this to me "Love is not my cup of tea",that I didn't want to hear that , that I always clutched hard at the sand in my fist ,that the more I tried to hold it the more it kept falling through my hands,that I hung on the feeble branches of hope that couldn't withstand the slightest breeze ,that reality became an illusion ,that everything seemed so surreal. You never wanted me to wait and I always kept telling you that I wasn't.That I was lying,that I always lied to you,that I could justify all my lies ,that I failed to justify my love,that I failed so miserably at it,that I can still feel the pangs gnawing at my soul ,that I can still see you as if in a hazy dream,that this is a moment of weakness,that I can feel my hands trembling,that I can feel a salty disharge running down my pursed lips ,that things won't ever fall in place ,that you will never be mine. This sugarcoating called hope that wraps the bitter sweet ball call love that comes stuffed with lots of dreams ,that these hopes disappear with the sugarcoating,that u never loved me the way I did,that I was always selfish all along the way,that today I am insecure,that I know my dreams only were meant to be dreams,that tomorrow won't be any better,that life won't be any kinder,that it will never rain on the barren lands of my parched soul,that every smiling person appears to be jeering at me,conspiring,contriving ,that reality is hitting me right across the face with all its might and mockery,that I can still feel the stabs across my heart,that my wounds still bleed,that i am afraid the stubborn scars would never heal. That's my destiny,that this is my chunk of misfortune ,that this is my share of pain,that this is God's design for me,that this is my portion of tears. God all I am asking for is a spoonful of strength and a handful of courage . But are you listening ?